“I think every working mom probably feels the same thing: You go through big chunks of time where you’re just thinking, ‘This is impossible—oh, this is impossible.’ And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.” – Tina Fey
My blogging journey surely was a long one coupled with a few failed attempts, self-doubt, fear of failure, and the list goes on. However, the reason I wanted to start a blog primarily was to write about my experience as a new mother. I wanted to share everything I was going through- the feeling of ecstasy, when I held my daughter for the first time as well as the sadness I felt on the day I dropped her off at daycare for the first time. But life is funny in such a way that by the time I started this blog, it’s been 4 years and all those feelings have lost their intensity. Since I launched my blog 2 weeks ago, everyday I am exploring countless ideas in my head concerning the new posts but somehow I ignored the most important thing which initially led me to think about starting a blog at the first place. Honestly I didn’t even think about writhing this post until a friend, suggested me to do so; who is a new mom and has recently went back to work.
Those are faded memories yet I can still feel the pain in my heart when I had to send my daughter to daycare. Returning to work was by far the hardest decision I made as a mom. I was lucky to have a 12 month long mat leave and I feel blessed to say that every single moment of those months was a pure bliss. Primarily because my husband was also home helping me 24/7 as his immigration was under process so between the two of us, this parenting thing seemed nothing but an enjoyable new chapter of our lives. In addition, I did not experience any post partum depression which is rather common amongst new mothers. To add to that joy, my mother in law came to stay with us for 4 months towards the end of my mat leave and I was able to leave my daughter home with her for an extra 4 months. Leaving her with my mother-in-law was the easiest thing ever because my baby was home, in her familiar environment and with a person, she somewhat became acquainted with. This was a complete win-win situation. I was so happy and relieved that I thought I had passed the hardest phase of motherhood and was all set for a happy sail onwards. But boy was I wrong!
Before I went back to work, we explored various options of care before deciding on a public daycare. We reviewed the options for having a nanny at home where she can be in her familiar environment- but I did not like the idea of only one person taking care of my child where if that person is injured on the job somehow or there is any emergency (i.e. fire, earthquake, etc), she might not be able to handle the situation properly. I just feel that being in a commercial building, surrounded by many other classrooms and numerous teachers, my child would be in a much safer position. I may be biased because the same argument can be applied when I watch my kid alone or when she was under the care of my mother-in-law. But having multiple teachers around just gives me that peace of mind and hopefully in future I’ll be able to gain more trust in this area. Sorry, I am getting a little off topic here. Long story short, yes, we explored the nanny idea as well as home daycare then finally decided on public daycare.
So finally the day came when I had to get her ready for daycare. We all woke up early that morning to make sure not to rush. I fed her breakfast, played with her and looking at her sparkly eyes, all I could feel was sadness and guilt that was eating me inside. Little did she know, I was about to leave her with a stranger for 8 long hours. We did do test runs where we took her for few hours at the daycare but I don’t think that helped much. She had fun and played during the whole time as first few times I was also there with her and then last few times I left the room but only for an hour or two which worked out fine, we finished those visits without any tears. But this was different, even she could feel that. By the time we were near her classroom, she started to wrap her tiny hands around my neck and held me tighter than ever. She was 16 months old then, knew a few words but didn’t say anything. She was just hugging me very firmly. Then the time came, we went inside and even though I was told to leave instantly because it just makes it harder for the kid and the teacher if you linger. But I couldn’t, I hugged her and kissed her so many times and then put her in her teacher’s arms and left. Even though I tried hard not to look back, but I couldn’t. I turned around and saw my little baby’s eyes filled with tears, looking at me in utter disbelief. I turned around and kept going because I knew I had no choice and told myself, she will be fine, it’s only a matter of few weeks.
But it wasn’t a matter of few weeks, it took months by the time she was actually “okay” to be left at daycare. She wasn’t still enjoying but was just okay, not upset at least. But those initial months was so hard for me emotionally, I cannot express in words. There were days, I would drop her and we both would be crying and I found myself crying at work thinking about her. But I had no choice. During my mat leave, I explored the option of not returning to work or at least work part time but since my husband was a new immigrant and was only getting into the job market, he couldn’t support our family alone to fulfil our needs. I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t get jealous when I saw stay at home moms spending all of their time with their little ones but then I comforted myself by justifying my decision.
Even though the title says, how I deal with the guilt- note it doesn’t say “dealt” because that guilt is still there and it’s a constant battle I fight in my mind to this very day. My daughter is 4 and only starting kindergarten next month and even there she can’t come home like other children at 3pm because her mommy works full time and doesn’t get done until 5pm. So that guilt is still there. I just don’t like the idea of leaving small children at school for an extended period of time. I absolutely support the idea of daycare don’t get me wrong but just not for such long hours! I know there are many articles encouraging working moms which showcases benefits of children attending childcare. However, I also read that children who spend long hours at daycares show behavioural problems. The NICHD study of Early Child Care states,
“Children with higher quantity (total combined number of hours) of experience in non-maternal child care showed somewhat more behavior problems in child care and in kindergarten classrooms than those who had experienced fewer hours.”
“Children who attended child care centers had somewhat better cognitive and language development, but also showed somewhat more behavior problems in child care and in kindergarten classrooms than children who experienced other non-maternal child care arrangements.
If you decided to read this post with the hope to feel better and hear some words of encouragement then I am really sorry mamas. I am just being honest and trying to put my feelings into words. I also know these research findings cannot always be trustworthy either as the science of psychology is always evolving. Among the pro-daycare studies, this Harvard Business Study states that
“Working moms have more successful daughters and more caring sons”.
But then are those “successful” daughters have close relationships with their family or are more career oriented? Are they more likely to divorce? Are they more likely to have a broken relationship with their parents or children? They might be “successful” at work but are they successful as a mom or a wife? I don’t know. I am a working wife, daughter and a mother myself and I don’t know the answer to those questions.
Now you might be wondering, how do I go about my days and function in daily life if I have so much guilt. Well I think, if you don’t have guilt it means you don’t care enough and as a human being, it’s absolutely natural to have some level of guilt. I call it a healthy guilt. Not sure if that’s even a term. But yes, I feel guilty but I don’t let it consume my sanity. I feel guilty because I am a mom and that’s what moms do. I’m sure even moms who stay at home feel guilty for wanting to have some alone time. Some may feel guilty because even when they are home they are busy with household work. Us women are designed in such a way that we can’t help but care and we care too much and hence comes the guilt.
Whenever the guilt strikes, I remind myself of the reason why I work and why I have to work full time. I remind myself that I am contributing in providing a good life for my child and my family as well as towards a better future. Money is not everything but it is a necessity for living a decent life.
Because I am a working mom, I also feel that I am so much more affectionate to my child, to a certain degree, it might seem like an obsession. I am constantly making sure that the little time I get to spend with her during weekdays, it’s full of good quality times. I play with her everyday after work even if it is for 10 minuets. Then I am there with her during dinner, bath time and bedtime. Then once she is asleep, I make sure to give myself some “me” time. Whether it’s going through Instagram, catching up with a friend on messenger or watching a show on Netflix, I make sure to give myself that free time when I am not bound to do anything definitive and can just relax.
There is no trick to overcome a working mom’s guilt. But the good news is that it gets easier overtime as you and your child get used to the routine. Also keeping a positive mindset helps, before you know it, she will start kindergarten. And unless you want your child to be home schooled, this is a very common and natural transition in a child’s life and should be embraced postively. Acknowledge that you are doing your best with all your heart and loving your child unconditionally then soon, in addition to the (healthy) guilt, you would start to feel pretty proud of yourself as well.